Hi Robi!

It`s been a while! I`m sorry for being such an inconsistent blogger...I haven`t forgotten the blog, just when I think about it, I don`t feel like I have anything to write! I mean, I guess there is always something to write about, but my life has been quite unevventful lately, so there`s not a whole lot in the way of stories and stuff. How are you doing? That's kind of surprising, that people aren't as friendly as they are said to be. Maybe it's just when they aren't in Newfieland :P
Are the kids nice at least? It is actually so cool that you have an ACTUAL job! You know, like the kind of job a real live adult would have, not just a kid. But then, I guess you are a real life adult now, so it makes sense.
Have you met any boys over there? :P
You know, now that I don't have any girl friends, the only girls I really talk to are Stephanie, my sister, who hass been in a relationship for 3 years, and my friend Erin sometimes, who is also in a relationship. On the one hand, I miss boy talk, but on the other, I really don't! Because I always felt like I had to have something to contribute. Like there was something wrong with me or I was boring or whatever if I didn't have any boy stuff going on. Now that I don't have to prove myself (and there are no boys I am attracted to and I have no social life so I don't meet them lol), I'm like, it's kinda nice not to have to deal with boys! I mean, there are some obvious downsides, but life is so much simpler without boys. For now, it's quite nice.
Anyways, wanna hear what I have been doing lately?
Well, I go to college, and I go to work, and I watch the Office and I read and I go to Buddhist meditation once a week and...that is about it. I hang out with my family, and you know what? I'm happy doing this! I never thought I would be, but I am! I mean, I'm not happy all the time and I don't think I would be if I thought this is what I was going to be doing forever, but for now it's really nice.
It has given me a lot of time to learn about different things and think about what it is I want to do in my life. Of course, I still don't really know but I have come up with a bit of a "plan" for what I want to do in the nearer future. I think this summer, I am going to go stay at an ashram that is in southern BC near the Rockies, and stay there for a couple months or whatever. There young people work, and do silent meditation while they are working, and stay for free. I talked to a young woman who went and she really loved it and said I for sure should go so...now I have to right! Anyways, it sounds really awesome so I'd like to do that.
And then after that, I want to go back to India and stay at an ashram there. The place where I went where I stayed at an ashram, I want to go back to that place.
You know, it is weird because I really thought I wanted to go to south america, and travel there, and I do, but every time I think of myself going somewhere, I just picture myself in Rishikesh, so I think that means I should go back there. I think I really have a lot to learn, and I think the thing is, I can learn about all these places but that won't help me much because what I actually need to do is learn about myself. I have realized that I just have no idea what I want, or what I want to do, and I mean, I know that is normal, but I really feel like I should at least try to figure it out. And I think that is a good way for me to do that.
So I think maybe I'll stay there for a year, and then who knows what I'll do after that! It is way too far in the future to guess at...I mean a million things could change between now and then!
The thing I do know though, is that I want to be absolutely nothing like my dad. I'm not even joking when I say I would probably rather kill myself. He lives a completely joyless existance. I don't think he ever smiles. I don't think he even remembers why a person would want to smile, because sometimes he tries to smile but it's fake and so it just ends up looking scary and sad. Ugh. He works the same job he has for 30 years, he doesn't enjoy it, he comes home and sits on the couch and watches tv. He goes grocery shopping.
Is that even a life? Can you actually call someone alive when they don't feel any joy? It's hard to even live with. Like, it certainly makes me feel very negatively whenever he is in the room. He has such strong negative energy that if we are both reading in the same room, I start to feel so hopelessly miserable and angry that I actually have to leave. If I ever end up like that (and I'm doing my best to figure out how not to) please just shoot me. If my mere presence is enough to make someone miserable, then what is the point?
My mom has an injury, so she can't even go anywhere or do anything most of the time, but she is alive. She thinks and she loves people and she does experience life. My dad can do things, but he doesn't seem to feel anything. I would so much rather be like my mom.
What would be really nice though, if I could remain both physically and mentally functionable into middle age. Hopefully genes don't play a role in this.
Hopefully I can figure out a way to actually be alive. You know?
Anyways, can you tell that my dad is in the room? It makes me so depressed and he isn't even talking or anything! But when he isn't here, I am mostly happy. And I do live in his house so I can't exactly complain. Just, you know, I make observations.
Anyways, I guess that's it for me! If something interesting happens I will tell you about it :P
Oh yah, guess what, I made a friend! He's in two of my classes at school, and we've hung out a couple times and talked about philosophy, and we both are interested in talking about those things and it is so nice to meet someone who is! You know, I get really tired of small talk and everything, I mean who isn't who works in customer service long enough, so it is so nice to talk about significant things, and things that I actually spend my time thinking about.
Anyways, hopefully we continue hanging out because I really enjoy it.
Greg and I haven't really been hanging out lately, so it's good to have at least someone outside my family to hang out with!
Anyways, looking forward to hearing more about how you're doing over there!
Edna